A guy, parking on the street at his girlfriends house, is walking up to her door when he sees a tennis ball on the ground.
he picks it up, because he likes to play now and again, puts it in his pocket, and continues to the door.

he knocks on the door and his girlfriend opens it. she immediately hugs him.

feeling the tennis ball in his pocket she says, "hey, whats that?"

the guy says, "oh" and explains "...tennis ball"

she backs off a bit shocked and says "man, thats really gotta hurt, i once had tennis elbow"

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Kuzi's cigar catalog blending 101 developing your palate

why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?

...becasue it was dead

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"All things are possible through faith in The Beard."
- j0z3r 1/15/2010


pure.refreshing.bacon.

One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

" Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote"

I attended a party this past weekend.

After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spottedan attractive woman (standing alone) across the room. When I approached and asked her name, She coyly replied... "Carmen."

Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with, "That's a beautiful name, Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world - cars and men."

Then she asked, "What's your name?"

"Golftits," I replied

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary. ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.


BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.


CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.


CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.


COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.


DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.


EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.


HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.


INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.


MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.


RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.


SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.


SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.


TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.


TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.


YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

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A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey and ordered a drink. While he was drinking, the monkey jumped all around the place. It grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. It jumped onto the pool table, took one of the billiard balls, stuck it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy said, "No, what?"

"He just ate a billiard ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finished his drink, paid his bar bill and paid for the stuff the monkey ate and walked out.

Two weeks later he came into the bar again along with his monkey. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar as before. While the man was finishing his drink, the monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it. Then it found a peanut.. This, too, he stuck up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.

The bartender was disgusted "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asked.

"No, what?" replied the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it The same with a peanut!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me." said the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

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"All things are possible through faith in The Beard."
- j0z3r 1/15/2010


pure.refreshing.bacon.

heard this today from a sales rep:

At an entrance:

Woman: Did you open the door for me because I am a lady?

Man: No, I did because I am a gentleman.

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"All things are possible through faith in The Beard."
- j0z3r 1/15/2010


pure.refreshing.bacon.

A woman runs into the golf course pro shop and screams, "I was just stung by a bee!"
The golf pro asks, "Where?"

Still screaming, the woman replies, "Between the first and second holes."

The pro scratches his head for a moment and replies, "It sounds like your stance is too wide."


AND WHY NO CIGAR JOKES YET?

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your ***. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."

Reasons Why Cigars Are Better Than Sex
• You can GET cigars.
• You can safely have cigars while you are driving.
• You can make cigars last as long as you want them to.
• You can have cigars even in front of your mother
• Two people of the same sex can have cigars without being called nasty names.
• The word "commitment" doesn't scare off cigars.
• You can have cigars on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
• You can ask a stranger for a cigar without getting your face slapped.
• You don't get hairs in your mouth with cigars.
• With cigars there's no need to fake it.
• Cigars don't make you pregnant.
• You can have cigars at any time of the month.
• Good cigars are easy to find.
• You can have as many kinds of cigars as you can handle.
• When you have great cigars it doesn't keep your neighbours awake
• With cigars size doesn't matter. It's ALL good!

America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two years up there, each may take any form of entertainment weighing 150 pound or less.
The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb wife. They approve.
The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Greek. I want 150 lbs of books to learn Greek with." The NASA board approves.
The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "It's gonna be two years up there. I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA Okays it.
Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside the shuttle to see what each astronaut got out of his personal entertainment.
Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, He and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers.
The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Greek. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer.
The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row waving a chewed up cigar at them and says:

"Anybody got a match?"

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Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (and Explosives!) should be a convenience store - not a government agency.

A man finishes reading How To Be THE MAN at Home. He marches into the room his wife is in reading the paper. He loudly proclaims things are gonna change around here !!! Tonight your going to cook me a gourmet meal ! After that you will make me a outta this world desert! Then while I read the paper and relax you will do the dishes and clean up the kitchen ! Then we will make wild passionate love for as long as I want! Then you will draw me some bath water and scrub my back! Then when I'm ready for bed you will massage my back till I fall asleep! And guess who will be dressing me and combing my hair in the morning??? Without looking up from the paper the wife says "my guess would be the funeral director" !!!

Lady goes in a adult store to pick up a toy. The gentleman working there decided to offer some sugestions. G: How about the blue one? L: No, dont like the color! G:How about that one? L: Nah, dont like the shape! G: How about the black one? L: No, not my size,but how about that red one hanging on the wall? G: Ohh,I am sorry madam, but we dont sell the fire extuinguisher!

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the funniest thing i read all day was a "random musings" style thread on another forum. i wish i could take credit for this. here are some highlights:

I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a *** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say"

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

There is a great need for sarcasm font

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

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Kuzi's cigar catalog blending 101 developing your palate

kuzi16:

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

THAT is funny right there!

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In Tim's Beard we TRUST

A salesman knocks on the door of a suburban house. It's opened by a 10 year old boy dressed in a cape that trails along the floor behind him. On his head, he's wearing a large fedora that's much too big for him. In one hand, he holds a huge glass of brandy and in the other a remote control. In his mouth is a cigar.

"Hello, are your mom and dad home?" asks the salesman.

The boy replies, "Now what the FU@K do you think?!"

clearlysuspect:

Q: How did the West Virginia Farmer find the two sheep in the field?

A: Very pleasing!

Q:How did Micheal Jackson find the kids in the hall?

A:Very pleasing.

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The captain comes over the intercome saying that they need to make an emergency landing becasue the enignes just went out. One of  the ladies on board starts freaking out on how she has never had beautiful man treat her like a real woman before. So a guy a few aisles up hears this. We're talking tall dark and handsome stands up and says "I belive I may offer some assistance." He takes off his shirt and say "here iron this."

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My toys 2006 650r Ninja, 2008 chevy cobalt w/ 2 Memphis 10" m3 in a ported box, pr1000 watt amp, pr4-50 watt, m3 speakers around, and 6" pioneer double din.